I wear the scar of regret

I wear the scar of regret. I got my tubes tied after my second child. Like, literally a day after I gave painful birth. Not to mention mr. Ham ripped me and I had to get stitches. Yea.... I know. Too much info. But let's face it. It's giving birth. And things like that happen..... Besides how painful it is to get that kind of surgery after giving birth and etc. it still didn't amount to the pain I felt about the decision I was making. I based my decision off of what other people thought I should do. Do I regret it everyday? Yes, I 100% do. I was in that surgery room crying my eyes out.... There I was making the decision to have no more children. Something I prayed to have for so long and had two so far. I didn't want to stop at two. I longed to be a mom of how many ever the good Lord wanted to bless me with. I wanted four just like my parents had. I know that sounds redic to alot of people. Ha! But to each it's own right? There were so many emotions going through my head.... I already had two premature babies ,could I take a chance of another child being even more premature next time. Or a miscarriage?? How do I know if everything will go great for another pregnancy? Could my body handle it?
Knowing that i'm not married to my childrens father and getting my tubes tied just because he doesn't feel like he wanted anymore children right? Would people be mad if I didn't?.... It was just so much going through my mind.... I knew id feel the way I do right now. Regret. But I did it anyway. I have a scar below my belly button. Small, but noticeable to me plus it just made my belly button look.extremely funny looking.... I look at my son, he's growing so fast. Too fast to be honest. Im going to miss being a mom to a little infant. Im going to miss the wonderful feeling of being pregnant. A little blessing from God growing inside my belly. I know that whatever my,son does from now on out ,it will be the last memory of my last little baby. It's saddening. My gosh he's about to be 9 months and it's like.I.want.to.freeze.time. And hold on tightly to the little.things he.does as a baby.... But as soon as I try to grasp it and hang onto it, it.slips... And there he goes onto more milestones met. Don't get me wrong I love and am very thankful and blessed to have a healthy growing .daughter and son but if I could.freeze.time.I.would. Like Aubrey, for example, she's already two years old. How does.time pass by.so.quickly? Esp when you don't want it to. I miss the way I could calm her.by.putting my.face.against hers and breathing on her cheek. Now, she barely has time to want a kiss or a.hug..... I miss the rocking in the glider reading books among books until my voice was horse and my throat was dry. But id keep reading because the little things that I did for my kids meant the most to me. I cherish all the things we do. The every smile that they put on my face and every smile id put on theirs. Im not saying I want or wanted another baby as close as aubrey and graham but four years down the road i probably would have. Having aubrey and mr. Ham so close together has had it's perks and disadvantages. Well the only disadvantage is making sure they both had my attention and one on one time with me everyday. Graham is always proudly "attached" to me so it leaves aubrey feeling a bit left out. I hate that she feels that way so every nap graham takes, I give her special attention one on one. Painting toes, letting her.do my.makeup  or dancing with her around the.house. But babies sure.don't keep. I hope that when.people make the choice to get their tubes tied it's because they choose that for themselves and not for others. It's a big decision. I have to.come to admins and make the.most of what I did.