I wear the scar of regret

I wear the scar of regret. I got my tubes tied after my second child. Like, literally a day after I gave painful birth. Not to mention mr. Ham ripped me and I had to get stitches. Yea.... I know. Too much info. But let's face it. It's giving birth. And things like that happen..... Besides how painful it is to get that kind of surgery after giving birth and etc. it still didn't amount to the pain I felt about the decision I was making. I based my decision off of what other people thought I should do. Do I regret it everyday? Yes, I 100% do. I was in that surgery room crying my eyes out.... There I was making the decision to have no more children. Something I prayed to have for so long and had two so far. I didn't want to stop at two. I longed to be a mom of how many ever the good Lord wanted to bless me with. I wanted four just like my parents had. I know that sounds redic to alot of people. Ha! But to each it's own right? There were so many emotions going through my head.... I already had two premature babies ,could I take a chance of another child being even more premature next time. Or a miscarriage?? How do I know if everything will go great for another pregnancy? Could my body handle it?
Knowing that i'm not married to my childrens father and getting my tubes tied just because he doesn't feel like he wanted anymore children right? Would people be mad if I didn't?.... It was just so much going through my mind.... I knew id feel the way I do right now. Regret. But I did it anyway. I have a scar below my belly button. Small, but noticeable to me plus it just made my belly button look.extremely funny looking.... I look at my son, he's growing so fast. Too fast to be honest. Im going to miss being a mom to a little infant. Im going to miss the wonderful feeling of being pregnant. A little blessing from God growing inside my belly. I know that whatever my,son does from now on out ,it will be the last memory of my last little baby. It's saddening. My gosh he's about to be 9 months and it's like.I.want.to.freeze.time. And hold on tightly to the little.things he.does as a baby.... But as soon as I try to grasp it and hang onto it, it.slips... And there he goes onto more milestones met. Don't get me wrong I love and am very thankful and blessed to have a healthy growing .daughter and son but if I could.freeze.time.I.would. Like Aubrey, for example, she's already two years old. How does.time pass by.so.quickly? Esp when you don't want it to. I miss the way I could calm her.by.putting my.face.against hers and breathing on her cheek. Now, she barely has time to want a kiss or a.hug..... I miss the rocking in the glider reading books among books until my voice was horse and my throat was dry. But id keep reading because the little things that I did for my kids meant the most to me. I cherish all the things we do. The every smile that they put on my face and every smile id put on theirs. Im not saying I want or wanted another baby as close as aubrey and graham but four years down the road i probably would have. Having aubrey and mr. Ham so close together has had it's perks and disadvantages. Well the only disadvantage is making sure they both had my attention and one on one time with me everyday. Graham is always proudly "attached" to me so it leaves aubrey feeling a bit left out. I hate that she feels that way so every nap graham takes, I give her special attention one on one. Painting toes, letting her.do my.makeup  or dancing with her around the.house. But babies sure.don't keep. I hope that when.people make the choice to get their tubes tied it's because they choose that for themselves and not for others. It's a big decision. I have to.come to admins and make the.most of what I did.

Is this what's love all about?

Without a question. I love my children more than anyone i've ever loved. Though, I know the love between mother and child is a different kind of love, it questions the love you have for others. The love I have for my daughter and son is so pure. So real. Unbelievably strong and powerfully unbreakable. They fill in the spots that were left unknown and empty. Broken, they filled the cracks. My soul and heart were shaken and crumbled before. They are the reason i'm so happy and filled with true love.
Coming out of an abusive physically and emotionally relationship 5 years ago I finally got the courage up in me to fight back and go back to where I longed to be. Home. Even though it was for the best I felt alone. Empty. Numb. Scared. Permanently damaged. Sheltered from my family for a year, I was finally back to my comfort zone. People that could heal a broken heart. Christmas time came around. Family kept me entertained and my mind off the memories of what was the past then. I still wore the bruises. They were fading from my body and finally from my mind. I knew it wouldn't fade from my trust issues that developed over time and wall I built up. My sisters husband....boyfriend at the time wanted to "hook" me up with a guy he worked with. I knew I wasn't ready for a new relationship. I guess it didn't hurt to try, I thought. It was Christmas night and there I was getting ready for a blind date. I didn't want to go alone so my oldest sister whom was getting me "dolled" up that night went with me just in case this guy was a crazy killer or whatever. You never know now a days. My self esteem was at it's lowest. Because, let's face it, i'm not the prettiest thing out there. Then, there he stood. Black leather jacket. Sweater, blue jeans and freaking timberland look a like boots. No glasses. Red gelled hair. Such a fascinating, funny yet mysterious way about him. The first impression of him made me want to find out more about this guy. Frightened by the impression I made I came off very shy towards him.... The night ended. Im old fashion so this guy didn't get a kiss on the first date or the second ..... He got his first kiss 12:05 a.m new years! This guy, Trent, swooped me off my feet! He was sweet, caring, thoughtful and loving. He had a son. That was the best thing about trent. This little soon to be three year old stole my heart. (caleb is always known to me as my first little.heart) This child became apart of my life and relationship with trent. 99% of all the.dates I had with trent, caleb was right there with us when he was here. Trent and I were all about fun. I was working at a store/restaurant where the beer was always i've cold and the food was good. Late night bands dancing and cutting up with the costumers. The place was going to soon shut down so I moved on to my dream job.... A day care teacher. Shortly and excitingly after I got pregnant with Aubrey. I stopped working. Focused on my pregnancy. The fun stopped. I became a mother as soon as I found out I was pregnant. As i'm sure many women do. I gave birth to a miracle a tiny 4lb 5oz. Sweet baby girl. The moment I held her she looked at me and I looked at her like she knew exactly who I was. Those big blue eyes and red hair. Her tiny fingers wrapped around my finger and at that moment it felt like the world stopped and even though the room was filled with family and.doctors, it was like it was just us. Looking at each other, not a sound was heard. my eyes studied and embraced her beauty. like.our.hearts became one, though we were two different bodies. My life became all about her. Id never leave her side. In the mist of all this it put a strain on my relationship. I wasn't focused on him anymore. We clashed heads a lot. Drama from his other baby mama began. Rumors, emails things i'm not proud of him saying or doing. We started to resint each other. I did so much he didn't like and he did so much I didn't like. It was starting to be too much to handle. Almost a year later I got pregnant with Graham. That put more strain on our relationship. I began to not care if he went wherever.... We use to not go any where without each other. I gave birth to Graham and things started to get better between us. Many more ups and downs came andwent. Despite all we have been through I know there's love between us. So is this what loves all about? climbing tall challenging mountains of relationship struggles just to come out even stronger together at the end? Yes, I do think so. We all aren't perfect. We are human. Love. Love shines through all the hard times. It's a everyday challenge that we have to work through everyday. But we keep fighting and pushing to get to where we want to be in a relationship. Im still learning how to love fully with him. The past left walls that were hard to break down. It's different from the love I have for my kids because no matter what they do that day my love for them is never questioned or lacked. I want that love for trent or close to it. We are getting there. Those walls that were built up are now after four years slowly but surely coming down. It goes to show how much extra work you have to put in a new relationship after having a bad one.....

Breast feeding awareness

http://www.google.com/search?biw=320&bih=173&site=webhp&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=ykbGUq-zE4a1kQfxiYDoAg&q=breastfeeding+awarness+ribbon+color&oq=breastfeeding+awarness+ribbon+color&gs_l=mobile-gws-serp.12...164418.167031.0.168420.9.9.0.0.0.0.0.0..0.0....0...1c.1.32.mobile-gws-serp..9.0.0.KXCkd29T5qk#biv=i%7C17%3Bd%7ChklalOvYej9MOM%3A

I am a breast feeding mother and I will forever be proud

I am a breast feeding Mother. I will.forever be proud. I breast fed my 1st child , Aubrey when she was born until only a.couple months old. I gave her formula and breast milk only for maybe two months. Then I went to straight formula. I was a new mom and I didn't have a good breast pump etc. I was confused and uneducated about breast milk and breastfeeding. I mean come on..... Do you ever really see alot of people breast feeding at my age? Or really that much anymore? If they do they keep it on the down low like they are kinda embarrassed. So I thought anyway. When I got pregnant with my son, mr. Ham. I educated myself big time on breastfeeding. Woo... I was researching. Reading, asking and googling. All kinds of stuff. I was determined! After I gave birth to mr. Ham ,I instantly put him to the breast. He latched on and was going to town. This mama was proud! From then on we've been going strong. Mr. ham is a what they call feed/nurse on demand. In other words he's constantly latched to me. It was so rough at first. He was feeding every two hours. It took him 30/40 minutes to nurse both breasts. So what does that mean? Yes, this new mom of two was up every single hour day and night feeding her newborn infant. (breastmilk digests quicker but easier and more gentle for baby tummy) so if you want to breast feed it's hard for the first three or so months give or take but becomes so much easier. No washing bottles or extra weight in the diaper bag etc.... I had two kids. Aubrey was only 1 1/2. I needed easy. Breast feeding is easy! Graham is now 8 months and although nursing him is super easy breezy the support I had was super crappy. Not only was I getting downed by never being without my kids I was also getting downed by breast feeding my son. I became angry at everyone. Didn't want to be around anyone ESP. Family. BC the ones that I thought would be my supporters weren't. It hurt. It hurt alot. In this freaked up world you can have all the nudity and sex every where but when it comes to nursing your child in public you get talked about or disgusting looks. It's down right just stupid. Ive never been the time to flash a boob to anyonr noy even the man i am with. I usd my boobs for what they are made for and thats breast feeding.When that's happening to you, encouragement and support is what you need the most at that time. (I find it awful that you.have.to go through so.much.for giving your child the best milk you could give.) So to find my support I found breast feeding support groups. From those, I found encouragement. When I had a question or concern I got help through other breast feeding women in the world. I educated myself so much I wanted to share and spread the word and knowledgement of breastfeeding powers! There's so much good that comes from it. Not only good for your baby but also yourself. I tried to spread the word to young mothers and uneducated people but they were very negative. You should hear the things I have to hear. "you are going to embarrass graham when he gets older" "you should be ashamed for breastfeeding him" "do you have to breast feed beside me? It's making me uncomfortable" " that's just plain nasty" "stop taking pictures of yourself breast feeding" "don't tell someone they need to try to breast feed a child" " you need to pump instead of nurse him every time" I can go on and on all day. Those are just the ones that cut the deepest. Esp. When you know you are doing what's best for your child and he gets so many benefits from it. You should have seen and heard what people say when they ask me how long I plan to breast feed my son. I first ask them " do you really want to know" they look at me with confusion. I hesitate at first because I know what the reaction will be because I get the same reaction from my family. But then again I just gladly blurt out " my goal is two years and if we make it two years or more that's what we will do. It's just to him. We are going to self wean." Oh my gosh the cruel hateful reactions and words begin..... " that's nasty" "you shouldn't do that" "you are going to embarrass yourself and him" blah blah blah blah blah! It hurt to hear these words then I started getting even more angry with everyone. Still do ,actually. I don't expect them to understand. They are uneducated. Some ,even selfish. But I keep my head held high. For I know the power of a breast feeding mother. The power of breast milk. The good it does for my child and myself. I will be forever proud of myself and mr. Ham. Breastfeeding gives you this special bond with your child that is unexplainable. I look down at him while he's nursing and I just begin to cry. Tears of happiness, joy and pride. There's something so incredible about knowing that you can give your child so much through breast milk. By nursing you give him comfort that only you can give. It makes you proud to be able to do all these things yourself. Gives you the courage to stand up for what you are doing for your child. Despite all the negative.we don't give up nor do we give in. I cherish all of our frequent nursing times. I already dread the day he will someday self wean..... 8 months going strong! Here's to many many many more months!

Skip the drama stay with mama...mama knows best!

Skip the drama stay with mama. Mama knows best!
For those of you who don't know where that saying came from watch the movie。Tangled.
My  2 year old daughter loves that movie. When I say loves that means we are.watching it all day every day. She refuses to watch anything else! She loves horses so.. She makes me skip to the horse scenes. Such a cute movie!
This title/saying has alot to do with this blog tonight..... Im a very special kind of mom. I say this because I rarely see moms like me. ESP. At my age. If you aren't like me that's ok. Im not downing. everyone parents different. So let's skip to ths point here...... I've never really left my kids.... Ever! I can't! I have such separation anxiety without them in,my sight. I know... You are probably thinking gez...she's crazy. That's fine. I get that alot. It all started when I had Aubrey. Actually when I got pregnant with her .I knew exactly what kind of mother I was going to be. Some folks call it "mama bear syndrome" I protected my tummy like it was treasure. of course she was treasure. In my eyes anyways. I was told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did it probably wouldn't go full term. In other words miscarry. I won't get all medical with you. you get the point. So when I actually found out I was pregnant I was nervous but so happy! I thought it would never happen. So when you hear you wouldn't be able to have this happen and it crushed your soul and heart you kind of hate yourself for it. When you actually get pregnant after hearing and feeling like that it's like your world flips and you want to protect the child God Blessed you with. ESP. Praying hard for a few years. Aubrey came unexpected. 34 weeks premature. I was lucky. She stayed in nicu for about two weeks. And when you have a 4 lb baby it's like "what do you do? Will I break her?" Ahhh.. It's so much you worry about with a premmie. So skipping on to what I promised her. While she was in nicu I spent every second in there. Thank goodness the hospital had rooms for the parents that breastfeed the premmies. BC I wasn't going home without my baby! I couldn't leave her. I promised her that id never leave her side for her whole life. I haven't. She's two years old now and I refuse to leave her. She had many medical problems. As far as stomach problems . ( she's lactosed) acid reflux (she's still on meds for that), stopping breathing while sleeping (which we will be going for a sleep test next month). She even stopped breathing in my arms when she was just a few months old. Yes, it was so scary. I have nightmares of that night very often. So, you see I can't leave her alone. In my mind if something were to happen to her and I wasn't there I would lose my mind. See, mama knows best ;) that's exactly how I feel. Im sure others could know what to do in a situation but what kind of mom would I feel like not knowing what was going on? If something did.... My daughter became my world. I.put everything to the side and just gave her all my time. I never go out. I never even bathe alone anymore. But this is what I wanted. I put my relationship with my kids father to the side too. That's caused some problems. Even when I feel like our kids needs us more than we need each other but shoot. Talking about that is a new long blog in itself. So shortly after I had my son graham. Aka mr. Ham. We call him that because he's a big boy! 8 months old and he weighs 25lbs. Wearing 12/18 month clothes. Yea. He's a chuck! I never left him either. For one I couldn't imagine leaving him just.like I couldn't imagine leaving aubrey. For two I exclusively breast feed him. That's right! No bottles no paci no baby food... Nothing but mamas good ol" boob milk. Simply the best he can get. But I promised him the same as I did aubrey. He's a mamas boy! Of course I can't leave my main man!

What drove me to blogging

What drove me to blogging??? Ha good  Question. I am a stay at home mother of two and during the summer i'm a stay at home mom of three. If that doesn't give you a hint I don't know what could. Although being a mother comes natural to me it's very challenging. Not only being a mother but trying to play my part in a relationship has become difficult as well. In my blogs you all will read my every day challenges and yes I will stay true to what I go through on a day to day basis. Im not going to lie crap gets crazy and confusing and down right nasty. I hope to relate， to inspire and to tell the beautiful ugly truth about my crazy life.